K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
actually, I'm a sock model
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
