So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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