I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
