Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
