I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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