the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
