i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
