i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
