She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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