I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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