party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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