Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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