You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
