I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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