i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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