i already hear my dad disowning me
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
