She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
