Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
