Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
she told me i tasted like america
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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