Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
