i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
