considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
