Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
