So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
