there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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