if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
