dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
