im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
