cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
