I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
