I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
