that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
