I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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