So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
