Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
