I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
