We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
