quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
