I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
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