There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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