If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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