i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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