Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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