Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
