btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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