we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
