I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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