Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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