Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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