highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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