Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
