I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
