I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
