before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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