I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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