Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
