Need sex. Gaining weight.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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