I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
