Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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