dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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